Sunday, March 29, 2009

and the clouds faded away

written march 29th 2009-

Sitting here reading New Moon and it starts to sink in that I feel like I've come out of some major gloom that I had been under for over a year. Nothing too serious the past 6-8 months however it's still been there... in the back of my thoughts.. that gloom. Gloom coming from everything from the horrible drowning feeling that came when I moved back to North Carolina and left the boy child. I cried every day for about a month about leaving him and the pain that caused me, and the confusion it must have caused him.Then Maw Maw passed away that October and it was so so sad and we were caught so off guard. That same day I bought my wedding gown and even the excitement of the wedding did not keep the gloom away.

Finally the wedding came and went and it was fun and we were happy but the month's following were going to be more difficult than I thought. My mom and I stopped talking. There were some very big misunderstandings and I realized that I needed time to figure out what I was doing and how to work out my issues with my parents.

I started therapy in October. I am so grateful for my therapist. The baggage from my child hood has stopped making it's way into my marriage. I feel as though I have been able to step back and look at my life from the outside... and make better choices because of it.

I am learning to just accept the family that I have been given, without agreeing. It is just the idea that they are who they are and they will continue to be that way until they die. They are not perfect, they are not ideal, they are imperfect, flawed humans that are my parents. I'm learning to cope with them better.

This week I have been happy. Genuinely happy. Giddy, laughing, smiling... Amanda again. I have returned to my cackle laugh and the joyful world that I have missed for a long long time. I'm me again.

Spring is probably helping this feeling. The anticipation of being out on the lakes in my canoe or on the kayak drenched in sunblock (to save my skin) enjoying my adult life.

I think I have felt like I am finally grown up- and those strong ties to my family and how sad our relationships have always made me feel is finally wearing off. Maybe it is the great distance I have put there, maybe it is just that I have grown up- I have recovered.

I am grown up.
I am recovered.
I am stronger.
I am happy.
I am loved.
I am thankful.
I am me again.


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