Memorial Necklace

Yesterday my memorial necklace for the Walkerbot arrived. It's lovely.

The Miscarriage

In June I underwent my second uterine surgery in just over three years. This time they had to repair scar tissue caused by the surgery in 2007. It all started pretty similarly to the first time I had polyps, extra unexplained bleeding and it was just weird. So I had a sonohystogram performed again (however this one was quite uncomfortable due to the scar tissue) and they found the scar tissue that had seemingly cause my uterus to grow together in some spots. Lovely. So the week after we returned from Yellowstone National Park I had the scar tissue repaired and another polyp removed. Apparently my body is a polyp factory these days. So my doctor suggested that we start trying to conceive before another polyp grew in there and caused more problems that would lead to another surgery. Given this news from my doctor Jordan and I discussed the issue and decided that we really wanted children so that sorta trumped the oh but we want to do this in life card. I had the surgery, waited one cycle and we were on the trying to conceive (TTC) wagon. The first month was pretty uneventful and we didn't really do anything but ovulation predictor kits (opk) to try and help our chances. That month was a flop. We were both disappointed but we had the knowledge that it could take six months to a year for a perfectly healthy couple. Month two of TTC came and I started charting to try and determine when I was ovulating since my cycles are so crazy. I had been reading pre-pregnancy and pregnancy books since May, it is August by now. Early September and we are a few days from going to NY to visit Katie and I got a very faint positive. The next day the line was gone. Then two days before our trip to NY I got another faint positive- okay body enough with the practical jokes. I was only 11 days past ovulation at this point. Day twelve came and went with nothing was again. I usually get my period on day twelve; no period. Day thirteen the day before we leave for Katie's and hello one very painful period. Lovely, it looks as though we had a chemical pregnancy. Jordan seemed pretty let down and I was but it didn't hit me too hard. We go to NY and just had fun. I went stroller shopping and fell in love with the stroller I plan to purchase when a baby arrives.

We came home from New York and were back on the TTC wagon. I had read an article about men having undescended testicles having trouble with conceiving so we have Jordan all checked out. We are both thrown for a loop when one of the numbers comes back a little low but we don't lose hope. We wait a few more weeks and have him tested again and make a visit to a urologist (who we both liked a lot) and this time the results are better than good. My chart looks insane that month and it looks like I didn't even ovulate. I go in for blood work to confirm if I did or not and surprise I did. A few days go by and before long it's 9dpo and that evening we got the first faint positive. I felt crazy because it was so faint it was barely visible but I know what I am seeing. I continued testing a few more days and the line continues to get darker. We conceived! How exciting?! Jordan and I both feel like we are so lucky because it happened so quickly. We make a quick trip to Burlington to share the good news. 10-10-10 will forever be that day of happiness and excitement with his parents. We've already told Katie the day before.

The Walkerbot October 23rd 2010

A couple weeks later I start having bleeding accompanied with pain. Go to the doctor, everything looks okay will have to undergo blood work before we know if I miscarried or not. So I have several days of blood work done- numbers double like they should. Yay! The Walkerbot survived whatever that was.

We go for our first ultrasound. The baby doesn't look like it should to the tech but that's because they aren't going off my conception date but my lmp. Then I have one more round of blood work and the number should be around 2500- it's only 911. The pregnancy is then classified as abnormal. Two doctors have two very different opinions about what to do. One doctor wants me to receive an injection of methotrexate in case this is an ectopic pregnancy not just a failing pregnancy. The other wants me to wait it out over the weekend and see what happens the next week.


Halloween is approaching. I have a rather nasty cold and just spend most of the week on the sofa. Friday the 29th comes and Jordan has yet to get part of his costume. No matter how bad I feel I get dressed and off to Wal-Mart we go. Then the cramping started. It was painful but nothing awful at first. We get the costume, have embarassing argument in public, grab dinner and come home. The cramps increase in pain and frequency. I start bleeding. We call the on call doctor and he says to get off my feet and rest. About two hours into the cramps I realize they are contractions. Like clockwork, every 20, 18, 15, 12, 10, 8 minutes. By the time they hit every 8 minutes we are in the emergency room. I check in and by the time the doctor comes around to examine me the contractions are about every two or three minutes. I pass the gestational sac while he is examining me. He removes it with a long q-tip and places it in a pathology cup. I'm okay up to this point. The doctor isn't convinced that everything is done. I endure a rather uncomfortable foley catheter combined with an ultrasound and nothing is visible. My contractions stopped the moment I passed the sac but now I have this really uncomfortable catheter in. After waiting a really long time for the doctor to say that my HCG did not drop enough for his liking I am told I have to receive the injection of methotrexate. No longer a happy camper by any means. I received the injection. We got home around 4am. I spent the next few days either crying or just sorta numb feeling. I still felt pregnant for a day or two and then it stopped. It's been a little over a month since then. I still have until February before we can try again thanks to the methotrexate.

It's been one extremely difficult month. Dealing with shifting hormones, depression and trauma from everything that happened, adjusting to the fact that I am no longer pregnant and just trying to find a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm still sad. How can I not be? My baby died and I had to see it placed in a plastic sterile cup so it could be sent off to be microscopically analyzed.

I have good days and bad days but overall I feel like I'm doing really well. I'm sorta just counting the days now until we can try again. Here's hoping we have a beautiful baby this time next year