and the clouds faded away

written march 29th 2009-


Sitting here reading New Moon and it starts to sink in that I feel like I've come out of some major gloom that I had been under for over a year. Nothing too serious the past 6-8 months however it's still been there... in the back of my thoughts.. that gloom. Gloom coming from everything from the horrible drowning feeling that came when I moved back to North Carolina and left the boy child. I cried every day for about a month about leaving him and the pain that caused me, and the confusion it must have caused him.Then Maw Maw passed away that October and it was so so sad and we were caught so off guard. That same day I bought my wedding gown and even the excitement of the wedding did not keep the gloom away.

Finally the wedding came and went and it was fun and we were happy but the month's following were going to be more difficult than I thought. My mom and I stopped talking. There were some very big misunderstandings and I realized that I needed time to figure out what I was doing and how to work out my issues with my parents.

I started therapy in October. I am so grateful for my therapist. The baggage from my child hood has stopped making it's way into my marriage. I feel as though I have been able to step back and look at my life from the outside... and make better choices because of it.

I am learning to just accept the family that I have been given, without agreeing. It is just the idea that they are who they are and they will continue to be that way until they die. They are not perfect, they are not ideal, they are imperfect, flawed humans that are my parents. I'm learning to cope with them better.

This week I have been happy. Genuinely happy. Giddy, laughing, smiling... Amanda again. I have returned to my cackle laugh and the joyful world that I have missed for a long long time. I'm me again.

Spring is probably helping this feeling. The anticipation of being out on the lakes in my canoe or on the kayak drenched in sunblock (to save my skin) enjoying my adult life.

I think I have felt like I am finally grown up- and those strong ties to my family and how sad our relationships have always made me feel is finally wearing off. Maybe it is the great distance I have put there, maybe it is just that I have grown up- I have recovered.

I am grown up.
I am recovered.
I am stronger.
I am happy.
I am loved.
I am thankful.
I am me again.

I got bitten....

I took the plunge last week into Stephenie Meyer's first book, Twilight. Within 3 days I had completed the 500 pages. Now I am reading New moon which in 3 days I've made it to page 400. I'm hooked. I''m totally on team Edward right now... and just love the characters so much. I have not figured out yet how I feel about Jacob.

Last night I watched Twilight on blu-ray and I have already re-watched it. I enjoyed it. Edward and Bella are such great characters. Alice and Jasper were great. I am thinking about making the Alice scarf for the release of New Moon. I think that would be a great scarf for November.

I told my friends Heather and Melissa that after reading Twilight I have an entire new appreciation for my birthstone, topaz, like Edwards eyes. haha.

I will hopefully burn through the rest of New Moon this evening and move on to Eclipse either tonight or tomorrow.

Well back to Jacob, Bella, Sam and the lack of Edward.

is it April yet?

No I'm not wanting April to be here because it will be my first wedding anniversary, I am wanting April to arrive so that the boat houses will open at all the local parks which means.... KAYAK time! Last year we discovered canoes pretty late in the year but we really enjoyed it and really want to do it again this year however I think we want to try kayak's for various reasons. Jordan and I went to Lake Wheeler this past week one evening and just watching the sun set near that gorgeous water made us both want to be on the water. We also came away from that thinking how awesome it would be to own a home on a body of water like that, now granted I am sure none of those homes would be in our price range but it's ok to dream right?

April 6th is fast approaching and well that will be 1 year since our wedding. I have no idea where the past year went, I do not feel as though that was a year ago by any means.

March 8th I went to Massachusetts to visit my friends there and it was so nice! The kids had all grown so much and oh how I just wanted to squeeze all of their cheeks. They are all going to be grown before I can blink my eyes. I need to definitely make more trips up to visit all of them. Seeing their town was great too because I have really missed working there. It ended up being a gorgeous weekend and right in between two snow storms for them. It was so much fun and I immediately missed everyone.

I've not been knitting as much as I would like- my bum wrist has been bothering me off and on but consistently since around Christmas. I am finally going back to Dr. Giggle, I mean Dr. Tuttle to have another shot of cortisone in it. I was good I have been able to put off getting it for a while but in some ways that was stupid because I've been less productive and just sorta crabby about my wrist. I know mine is in no way as bad as the MIL so I feel bad ever even complaining about it but dang it, this thing hurts. I dred the shot though, not for the immediate pain but for the pain that follows the few days after the shot. That was the annoying part last time, and it makes me nervous with being around kiddos and things that require me to lift them.

I have finished a few projects though. I made Jordan a heinous ear flap hat that he refuses to wear, I made myself a pretty little odessa hat which I love and I have a sock for myself almost finished. Gotta work on that!!

This week I gave in to peer pressure and bought Twilight. Yep. I'm reading it. I'm sucked in. I'm enjoying it. Woo hoo!

In other news- my mom and I spoke for the first time on the phone in eleven months on Tuesday. It was for about 30 mins and nothing major happened. We just chatted, awkwardly.

Also- if you live in my hometown you may have seen that my ex-step mom is missing. Yep. It's all right out of forensic files. While I am not directly emotionally affected by this I am sad for my step sister and half brother who very well may have to grow up now minus a mother. I know their previous arrangement in life with her had not been the best but you never want them to be missing/dead. I am fearful of what affect this will have on both kids and if they will get the counseling that they need to cope.

OH- we did have that freak snow storm in March- here are the photos from that as well as a photo of Pickles with a face covered in this maple treat she oh so loves.

Also I included a few photos of when we had Pickles fixed in February. She was such a trooper! Everything went really well with the surgery and the recovery (even though she managed to pull out a few stitches!) and she bounced back as quick as we suspected.